Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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