We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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