i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
she pinky promised me she was 18
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
