My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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