I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
