she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
