Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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