I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
