What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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