Screwed.edu
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
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