Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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