Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
