he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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