She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
