Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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