I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
