Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
this is an emotional support booty call
I believe in your delicious
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
