I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
