drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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