sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
