I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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