I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
