The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
