Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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