i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
