Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
