she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
