Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
