I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
