Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)