I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
