you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I smell stomach acid.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize