Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
