She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
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bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
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Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
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