How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
