I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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