I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
two words: eviction party
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I need a beard to bite.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
