i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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