so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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