i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
