I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
