I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
