life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
They have beer where we have blood.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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