dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
