I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
