my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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