I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
