The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
