Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
