I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
