The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i think my tv is drunk
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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